Sunday wabbles

Lazing in on a lovely Sunday..it's been raining super heavily the last two nights and while I could only enjoy the full glory of it last night..I think I haven't slept so well in quite awhile.

I don't know why is it so difficult for me to write here as much as I want to..so many times I feel exceptionally happy or blue I would feel compelled to come here but I just don't for some inexplicable reason.

....until now.

Anyway, while I can't say much about work because like everything else, there are highs and lows every day but I guess if I didn't appreciate/understand it last time, I dare say I have a better appreciation/understanding for my work now.

Everything else has been really good..just returned from Alaska with my family not too long ago and I think it was one of the best holidays I've had in years. I mean it because it is always so difficult to get the whole family just for dinner, let alone a getaway and a long one at that..and i really loved every moment of it.

I am so lucky, I know it and I hope that i will continue to count my blessings every day and not take this for granted. Alaska was so so so beautiful, seeing the glacier bay, watching the whales feed, enjoying the cruise, spending quality time with my family, immersing ourselves in Mother Nature..it was such a humbling and surreal experience. :') I hope i will be able to go back someday, but until then, there's lots of other places to visit. :)

Everything else has been good..I think I am in a really good place now. I guess the top priority now is trying to work on my finance because despite having a diploma in accountancy, i am really quite terrible with managing my own finances.. and also to exercise and lead a healthier lifestyle (with healthy eating and exercising). That is really damn tough for me..considering how much I loveeeeee/live to eat but my metabolic rate ain't what it used to be and I hate blaming myself at the end of the day, taking off my clothes to shower and looking at my tumtum and feeling the frustrated and annoyed with myself for my lack of self-control.

So...while i'm still nosing for good eats (i have yet to try Melben seafood + the cajun kings!!), I'm gonna have to work doubly hard on my health..i certainly do not want to be burdened with all the cholesterol/heart problems (thankful that A has constantly been giving me dirty looks whenever I start to nibble on the prawn heads heeehehh) before I reach mid-life crisis.

Just did 10km on the cycling machine..I know it's not a lot but it's a start right? Hopefully I will have the motivation/determination to work out within the next week... :\

On a separate note, I can't believe I am turning 23 in less than a month. It's true when they say that once you hit 20, time will start to fly by and before you know it, you will be wondering what you have done in life. Time to start making everyday count.

Close your eyes

Agonizing

How do you mend a trust that is not broken but feels like it has already been smashed into a million pieces?

I feel so bitter, sickened and drained. 

Curiosity killed the cat

I feel like a little part of me just died..

The Little Things

So many times I complained to A about him being a woodblock..or being such a blind bat and failing to see that he really loves me, I've overlooked all the many small little things he has done for me which really equates to something so immense I cannot match up to..

I was looking through my camera roll and I saw the small snacks he bought for me..waiting patiently and then delivering salmon sushi to me after my event because he knew how much I love salmon sashimi and then delivering OCK chicken wing to me yesterday before our dinner because he knew again how much I really liked the wings and how hungry I felt at that point.

The little things that he does, loving me in his own way..any girl would be more than lucky to have him and I really couldn't possibly ask for more but yet I still do. Times like these I feel so ashamed of myself for always failing to see the good side of everything..and always dwelling on the negative parts.

I feel lucky to have him in my life because most times I feel undeserving of such happiness..and with the foolish but undeniable fear that this won't last. See..that's my dark side kicking in again lol. So yes, all the more I will savour every moment of this love while I still can.

Verbal diarrhoea

So right now I'm sitting here at a crazy timing..i don't think i have ever been up this late ever since i started work but here i am trying to finish a report so that i can sleep in peace, with a wad of tissue stuffed up in one nostril.

My nose is a running tap and i am at the start of a bad, bad week because my period's here and i have tonnes of things to complete before the week's over.

So why am i here..procrastinating and only writing at the worst times.

I guess at the dead of the night and with a melody playing out from my laptop do i feel contemplative.

I feel so old and tired and i am only one year into a working life. It's a little hard to believe that just slightly more than a year ago I had only just graduated from Adelaide and having a blast and enjoying my post-uni freedom doing crazy things with the girls in Adelaide, or just coming back to Singapore and having the sweetest time with my family and friends and now the days are just pretty much the same..work work work with short weekends just to catch up with sleep and try to spend that little time with my family + A and if i'm lucky, my friends.

I know i'm very lucky though..and i am thankful. So many times i open my mouth to complain about work, about things that don't always go my way, about working so far away, about not having a life at such a young age (i am still quite young ok...), but at the end of the day I know i am still very fortunate. And especially after what happened to my mum, if i haven't been living life to the fullest before her accident I am truly trying to enjoy life as it is, and really appreciate my loved ones around me and show them how much they really mean to me because life is that short and fragile, and time will not wait for you.

Thankful for my friends whom i don't meet so often but whom i know will always be there for me when i need them..thankful for my family who's always gonna have my back and for A, who after nearly 4 years and have seen me at my worst, still loves me for me..

Come July this year, we will be 4 years old and yet this still feels so surreal. Every time i think about us, what we have been through together from my internship and poly days, seeing you through NS and through our uni days, being apart for 1 and a half years and pretty soon i am going to watch you graduate and enter the working society..i feel so lucky to be able to experience transiting through life's different stages with you and having you hold my hands through the good times and the bad. It's gonna be 4 years and u still give me the same gooey mushy dizzy lovesick feeling i felt back in 2009.

You're studying for your exams now while i'm feebly trying to work on my report..i'm not sure if you will read this but i hope you'll be able to channel all your mental energy into doing well for the last ever lap in your academic life...i pray that you'll have the strength to cope with 4 papers and to stay healthy during this period so that you can perform your best in your finals and get through this smoothly. I know you'll do just fine and then we can celebrate after your exams and look forward to BKK :* Jaiho sweetie!

To the strongest woman in my life

I love you Mummy. I know i may not show it or say it often, or even at all..but i really do. You are the most amazing, patient, sweetest, pleasant and loving mum a daughter can ever hope to have.

If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have been so impatient and annoyed over the most trivial things..if i wasn't so blinded by my hot-temperedness i would have picked up signs that you were not OK..if i could have been just a little kinder to you, maybe things would be different now. Maybe things wouldn't have deteriorated so quickly. But i can't turn back time and i can only hope to make amends that would never completely make up for the all the wrong i did.

I am so, so sorry. I will never forgive myself for being such a horrible daughter to you that evening.

I just want to tell you that while the last two days has been extremely traumatizing and taxing for the whole family..there was a glimmer of silver lining out of this..our family is even more bonded and closer than it was before..and we are so determined to get you well again.

I would also like to say how proud i am of you..despite being put through such agony, you have been so strong and pleasant and positive about it. You are always so eager us so as not to worry the family..and even though you are the patient, you are still fussing over us as though we are the ones who need to be taken care of, instead of you yourself. We have heard so many stories about other patients being so angry and frustrated but you have been nothing but sweet and easy going..and i don't know.. i just have so much to learn from you and i really wish i could have inherited some of your patience and positivity.

Right now..we are back to basics and you are still learning to pronounce our names and basic conversational English which you have been doing such a marvelous job in. You have made a remarkable improvement since yesterday and I am just so happy to see you getting better, slowly but surely each day. It's too early to say but i do hope that maybe, you will even make a 100% recovery so that you can have your retirement and travel the world with Papa and just truly enjoy life as it is. You deserve this happiness more than anybody else. You must get well.

Please stay strong and happy, Mummy. I love you.

2013, already?

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve written here..2012 has flown by extremely fast for me, and it’s not for the lack of trying that I haven’t been here. I’ve just been way too busy for my liking..so much so that I think my 2012 can be summarized as mostly being nose deep into work.

2012 wasn’t the best year for me..there were quite a number of times I felt pretty negative. Maybe it was just getting used to a work environment, or trying to adjust to the fact that I had to suddenly be independent and mature, put on a decent image so as not to embarrass my mum (whoops), but I felt like I had aged a lot within the last year and life just wasn’t so fun and carefree anymore. I couldn’t skip work as I used to in school, couldn’t even pretend to be sick, didn’t have the freedom to go to town or anywhere on a weekday afternoon and enjoy the peace and quiet without all the working adults around (I have become one of them). I was looking back on my entries when I had just started work and how it was going to take me 9 months to adjust myself to it..and I guess in a way, I have adjusted to it now..I no longer dread it as much as I did previously..although there were times I imagined myself being elsewhere, pursuing something else and wondering if I would have been happier.

With all the said, I can’t say that I have had a bad year either. I am thankful to have a job, a job that has given me opportunities to grow and learn, thankful that after one year of making tonnes of mistakes and being a sotong about so many things, I’m still having a job. Lol. And in all honesty my job is not bad at all. I do enjoy what I do..there are highs and lows but I guess that is all part and parcel of work..well, life in general.

And of course I’m thankful for the people in my life who were with me throughout the best and worst of 2012. Thankful to have spent NYE with my loved ones, having the best view of the fireworks I will possibly ever have in my life, and of course one of the major highlights of 2012/2013, thankful to see my sister wedded to a wonderful guy I’m proud to call my bro, and still going into fits of giggles hearing him address my parents as “pa” and “ma” :’}

I am not expecting much for 2013. I guess all I can hope for is just continued good health, happiness and love for myself and loved ones around me..:) No resolutions other than to perhaps continue buying tissue paper from uncles and aunties (lol) and to go to yoga a lot more regularly..and more importantly, to find a balance in my work and life..I am not going to let myself be swamped in again, at the expense of my life and people dear to me.

Annnddd..I hope to travel a lot more this year with my family and friends..having only travelled to Bali, HK (and if you count JB) last year. I guess I can see Vancouver and Alaska in the foreseeable future.. Hopefully, Boracay, Koh Samui, Vietnam, Japan and New Zealand as well heh. And of course re-visiting Bangkok and HK for my all time fav shopping and eating. Yes, I must travel more this year..after all, #yolo ! >:)

I also hope to update more regularly..keep my memories intact..but we'll see about that.