Second move

When you're feeling so upset that your heart just constricts itself and you can't breathe.

You surprised me, and it wasn't in a good way. So surprised that I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not willing to let it go nor am I even thinking about it, but I feel so sick of being the first one to make the move. The first one to woo, the first to ask, the first to initiate, the first to everything.

I'm a girl after all. Which girl doesn't love being chased, being asked out, being the point of attraction rather than the one who does the attracting? To feel loved, appreciated, the thrill of being chased? I had none of it but that was fine..I'm really just your dead average girl nobody will take a second glance at on the streets. I'm fine with being the one who took the first step and succeeded in getting what I wanted and I'm proud of having done so.

But it's been awhile now. I'm still initiating. And initiating. Always initiating.

I'm just about done making all the first moves. I'm tired of being the one who wants. I want to be wanted.

Maybe it's about time you realize it's your move now.

Lunar New Year

My favourite holiday.
It was well-spent with loved ones, feasting on good food, catching up with the relatives and gathering in the kids' corner, indulging in our own games and fun. It was especially wonderful to be around my younger cousins and view things through their perspective; the innocence and purity of their young untainted souls.
I hope the Year of the Dragon will be a good one for my loved ones and I. The prospect of going into a new environment, stepping into the workforce and being financially independent is intimidating and I hope this journey will be a smooth-sailing one for me. We'll see when the time comes but until then, I'm gonna be maximizing what's left of my vacation!

Lost for words

The power of giving in

" When a woman chooses to submit in a relationship, she does not become less. She is an equal component in a two-part relationship whose total energy has been increased beyond the sum of its parts.

The man might feel empowered in the relationship, but only as much as the woman allows him to be. The day she walks out, his positively charged alpha-energy is deflated. He's like a magnet with no iron to attract – so whatever power he might have had is irrelevant until he can find another pole with which to interact.
The woman's seemingly passive act of submission is, in a very Taoist sort of way, one of active creation. Simply put, she makes her man more powerful. His continued power depends on her continued submission. "

-Taken from here

My mum is a perfect example of this. Don't get me wrong..I absolutely love my dad to bits and pieces but sometimes his antics and well, male ego coupled with his eccentric mannerisms drives me up the wall and makes me have the strongest urge to pull what's left of my hair out. But my mother, she takes it all in. She tolerates him with such good nature and immense patience you wouldn't believe it's possible for such capability to exist in any female. She makes him feel empowered through her subtle quiet ways, and mostly importantly, she gives in. Even when she's not wrong.

I guess that's the fundamental mechanism of how a relationship works. Love is important, needless to say. Without chemistry, you cannot ignite the engine to spark off anything. However, to maintain it and to keep the relationship going on for decades, that is tricky. You need to compromise. To give in. To forget your pride and ego, because your better half is really the greatest good you'll possess.

I really need to take a few pointers from her.

My Granny

The many expressions of my beloved grandmother. I'm still feeling very foreign around my camera..so I'm actually quite proud of the last picture. I was capturing her more sombre looks but I wanted something more cheerful out of her so I got my sister to try and make her laugh and there, her facial features all crinkled up in a genuinely heartwarming, toothless chuckle.

Isn't she just lovely? :)

Dragon tail

This is the start of feasting, love and prosperity..just kicked off the Lunar New Year with A and his family and friends. I spent my Saturday evening listening to the wondrous amount of Cantonese around me (often nudging A for translations), digging into a sumptuous steamboat of quality beef, fish and sooooo many other variety of ingredients, of which puts our local steamboat to shame, and ending off with celebrating an impromptu early birthday for my dearest baby boy.
If that wasn't enough, we had to immerse ourselves in the festive atmosphere by trudging through Chinatown in the cool night, just taking in the sights, sounds, families doing some last minute shopping, everything. I never liked crowds but this was one of the rare occasions I actually enjoyed being part of the festivities.

It was truly a lovely evening. :}

5000 grams

I'm not sure which is more torturous, wanting to sleep and not being able to sleep, or being able to sleep but unable to wake up. My sleeping hours are wrecked so I'm here at 2.20am, waiting for some elusive sleeping dust to wash over me.

Anyway...on a heavier note (both literally and figuratively), I recently went to a clinic and had my weight taken. I was shocked beyond words, or maybe traumatized I don't know..sometimes extreme emotions make you react in ways you wouldn't expect and in my case, my initial reaction upon seeing the figure on the scales made me laugh out loud, to the surprise of the nurse recording my weight. It is with a heavy heart (ha) that I'm penning down my weight so that I'll do something about it. I must be extremely brave and insane to be announcing my weight here btw. I left Adelaide weighing about 45-46 kg and a year later, I'm now almost 51 kg. That's 5000g (this figure looks so much worse in grams......) that i've put on and I was really astonished to find out I could weigh THAT heavy.

Of course later on, the weight of the situation sunk in and my mood gradually got more and more sombre (to the point of depression) and I realized that i couldn't take things lightly anymore #punny Especially since I have never in my entire life seen the 5x digit while i'm on it..so that was quite a huge blow to me lol.

But seriously, who am i to kid right? I eat like a boy, wait no, I eat possibly as much or even more than some guys i know. I never really watch what I eat, I inhale whatever I fancy without counting the calories or even pausing to think about how much fat that roast pork or mcspicy patty contained or actually notice the time i'm consuming that piece of lard (which is usually in the wee hours of the night), I hardly ever exercised in Adelaide because the weather was too cold, too hot or too dry (in essence, bullshit excuses)..and now i'm suffering the repercussions of my laziness and greed.

Sigh it's also a little depressing to know that I actually bought several pieces of clothes online for CNY, naively thinking that I could fit an XS (in my defence, which I used to be able to) and receiving them and realizing how...fitting and sexy they look, that is, until i exhale and there goes my tummy tum tum exclaiming 'wheeeeee look at me!'. :(

Soooo, I'm gonna keep those clothes and make myself do whatever it takes to lose all the fat i've accumulated in the last 12 mths, even if that means cutting down on a lot of carbo..okay maybe i won't torture myself that much. I'm just gonna make sure i exercise twice as hard since I'm not exactly willing to give up my food.

Here's a promise to myself that by June (i'm being quite realistic ain't i?) I would have more or less returned to my previous self. And then, I can wear those pretty dresses without having to worry about that extra unnecessary burden of a bulge.

Summer all year round

New beginnings

I came here at the end of 2010, desperate for a change and to start anew..but as evident, i guess familiarity is always difficult to get out of huh? Haha. 2 years down the road, i'm here again once more having another attempt at a fresh start.

Livejournal was my pensieve for 5 years before I finally changed back to Blogger again..life truly has a funny way of going around full circle. Anyway, I do hope that with a new avenue to pen my thoughts, I will write more and post more visual memories.. especially since Livejournal was very restrictive in that aspect. I want this avenue to not only be filled with happenings, but also with honest, heartfelt thoughts and feelings. Somewhere I can pour my emotions of bursting happiness, aching sorrows and spiteful anger. This will really be personal to me.

So here we go, new beginnings :)