Burn

Just feeling so damn awful now..I could scream, shout and cry out loud and you'll still be the same; deadpan, unemotional and still.

Popo's 88th

Sunflower

A get-well-soon sunflower to brighten up my day and having the sweetest boy deliver lunch personally to my doorstep was a catalyst to my recovery :'}

Of work

Haven't been here for such a long time I feel almost disconnected with everyone other than my family. Sigh such is the life of a working person in this society. My days are so packed from 6am-5pm that by the time I reach home in the evening all I'm awake enough to do is to get some food into my tummy and thereafter plop myself onto the bed and await the next day.

My lack of rest got the better of my health and within one month of working I came down with a fever..but having a fever ain't so bad with a doting father driving all the way to Tuas to fetch me home, making me numerous cups of fresh orange juice to build up my immunity and sweet A delivering lunch and flowers to my door step, making me feel like the luckiest sick girl in the world. :'}

At this moment I can't say that I love my job yet..still adjusting to the working hours and the environment will take time and like my sister said, it takes 9mths to a year to get adjusted in the working environment so I guess the next few mths isn't gonna be easy..but I'm determined to persevere. I don't want to think about having to find another place to work in two years time.. I want my first to also be my last.

Etched in stone

Today was such a simple day, but I felt extremely happy. Maybe it was the gastronomically pleasing food, maybe it was the lively atmosphere at Ikea, maybe it was my new-found addiction to a game on my phone, maybe it was the amazing movie which threatened bucket loads of tears out of me (and the rest of the cinema for that matter), maybe it was having supper with the company of my family and digging into curry at midnight, maybe it was just his company, that made me glow from the inside and see the world with such unearthly optimism.

One thing's for sure. I loved today; every single moment of it right down to my tummy ache. And this is exactly why I created this avenue, to record down my emotions when they are strongest..especially the happy ones. :) Write all these precious memories down while they are still vivid, so that they'll never be forgotten.

Siew yoke

If there's one productive thing I've been up to this holiday..it's working on my driving and cooking skills. Okay make that two haha. Been on a roll experimenting with my cooking capabilities haha and well..here's my latest attempt at making roast pork :)

Not too bad for a first attempt if I say so myself :) unfortunately the skin turned out too rubbery and burnt sigh but otherwise the taste was not too bad and appearance wise, it did look pretty authentic. My eldest sis and grandma ate quite a fair bit of it; that's the highest compliment a chef can receive hehe :)

In case you wanna know how I did it from a newbie's perspective, all I did was based on estimation and "feel". Marinate the pork belly with oyster sauce and preserved soya beans while sprinkling salt, black pepper and sesame oil on the skin. Poke holes into skin (i guess i didn't do this part so well) to prevent a rubbery texture on the skin, Leave it there for about half an hour before popping it into the oven for 30-45 minutes and once you scrape off the burnt parts and chop it up into even pieces, voila!

Love

"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.”

- Louis de Bernieres

I guess we're at the stage where we may or may not have gone past the honeymoon period. I know I do still feel the flutters in my tummy whenever I think of you, or when I see you before you see me when we're about to meet. Your smile and hugs from the back still gives me the tingles and makes me feel all gooey and mushy all inside and yet, there's the familiarity. Knowing how comfortable I am with you, the way I can easily talk to you about anything without having to worry about you judging me, be my silliest self and throw the mightiest tempers and with all my scornfulness you still love me through it. The comfortable silences we share, doing anything and almost everything in front of each other without any shame or embarrassment..I think that itself is wonderful. It's love at its rawest, stripped of all its superficialities and leaving two souls who love each other. Simple and beautiful.

Chocolate truffles

I've always loved the nama chocolates from Royce..the melt in your mouth texture and combined with the fact that it's not too overly sweet because of the cocoa powder - i've always been soooo impartial to those chocolates and i'd had to restrain myself from finishing the entire box in one sitting.

So imagine my joy when I saw the recipe and how wondrously easy it seemed and I wasn't proven wrong. Maybe I do need to figure out how to keep it in its solid form long enough at room temperature but otherwise it turned out perfect..yummy little snacks to pop into your mouth before and after meals. :}

So much for losing weight le sigh.

Of driving

If anything, I never imagined that learning to drive would be such a long and arduous journey. I remembered being soooo enthusiastic 2 years back, eagerly signing up for my BTT and skimming through forums for the best private instructor and ambitiously assuming that I could attain my license within 2-3 months..how wrong I was.

Went down to the test center on the wrong day for my BTT, later on forgot to go down to the center for my FTT, and 2 years down the road I had to renew my PDL, book my FTT test date again and I'm nearly back to square 1 despite having gone through 4 private lessons previously.

I was seriously contemplating whether I was even meant to drive or meant to be chauffeured around like my mum (heh)..I was really quite comfy being in the passenger seat as A drove me around in Adelaide :P..and I thought at least, to take the easy way through the Auto route and pray that it'll be a quick and relatively painless process to my license.

But at the end of the day, I guess if I really want a proper driving license, I might as well learn the full works for the same price..it's 2 in 1 right? Knowing how to drive a manual car means you'll never have a problem driving a Auto car..not that I'll be driving one but I guess it is a useful skill to learn. Despite mixed views from family and friends around me, I'm going ahead with manual anyway and I hope I'll have passed my test by May/June.

I must admit it hasn't exactly been an easy journey so far..it really tests my hand/leg co-ordination and sense of awareness simultaneously and for someone like me who's really damn blur and easily flustered, this really ain't my cup of tea. Not to mention obeying instructions from my instructor who's constantly rattling off instructions without breathing, 'First gear, press accelerator, release clutch, change lane, signal right, turn left, signal left, gear up, depress clutch and release slowly, reaching traffic light, gear down, brake lightly, clutch fully, brake fully, change back to first gear" which leaves me feeling damn stressed and mentally screaming in my head 'What what what WHuuuUTTT?"

In spite of this, there are its perks and..fun. It really does feel quite shiok and amazing realizing that you're the one in control of the car..and perhaps I'm feeling very naive but the thought of being able to drive makes me feel very grown-up haha. So.. I'm gonna grit my teeth and get myself through this even if it kills me, drains my money, takes up hours and hours of my life, even if I have to fail my TP 4 times before passing (oh dear god, I really hope not)..and I'll be one happy, proud driver with a Class 3 license in time to come :)

Ily

The cream of my coffee.

A ripple

You asked me why. I was silent but my mind was screaming at me to say something, to tell you what I felt, to say what's wrong. But I couldn't express myself, I couldn't tell you what was in my head. I wished I could, to save you the confusion and agony of being clueless but I really didn't know how to. You knew that I wasn't fine anyway, much as I said I was.

I really really wished in that instant you followed me out. I would have given almost anything to have you grab my arm, pull me back, hug me fiercely and that alone would have made me feel warm, safe and assured.

But you didn't. The train doors closed. I walked out of the station, feeling more alone than ever in a sea of strangers. And that short walk to the bus stop was heart-achingly long, cold and lonely as I fought against the involuntary urge to break down.

Second move

When you're feeling so upset that your heart just constricts itself and you can't breathe.

You surprised me, and it wasn't in a good way. So surprised that I'm not sure what to do now. I'm not willing to let it go nor am I even thinking about it, but I feel so sick of being the first one to make the move. The first one to woo, the first to ask, the first to initiate, the first to everything.

I'm a girl after all. Which girl doesn't love being chased, being asked out, being the point of attraction rather than the one who does the attracting? To feel loved, appreciated, the thrill of being chased? I had none of it but that was fine..I'm really just your dead average girl nobody will take a second glance at on the streets. I'm fine with being the one who took the first step and succeeded in getting what I wanted and I'm proud of having done so.

But it's been awhile now. I'm still initiating. And initiating. Always initiating.

I'm just about done making all the first moves. I'm tired of being the one who wants. I want to be wanted.

Maybe it's about time you realize it's your move now.

Lunar New Year

My favourite holiday.
It was well-spent with loved ones, feasting on good food, catching up with the relatives and gathering in the kids' corner, indulging in our own games and fun. It was especially wonderful to be around my younger cousins and view things through their perspective; the innocence and purity of their young untainted souls.
I hope the Year of the Dragon will be a good one for my loved ones and I. The prospect of going into a new environment, stepping into the workforce and being financially independent is intimidating and I hope this journey will be a smooth-sailing one for me. We'll see when the time comes but until then, I'm gonna be maximizing what's left of my vacation!

Lost for words

The power of giving in

" When a woman chooses to submit in a relationship, she does not become less. She is an equal component in a two-part relationship whose total energy has been increased beyond the sum of its parts.

The man might feel empowered in the relationship, but only as much as the woman allows him to be. The day she walks out, his positively charged alpha-energy is deflated. He's like a magnet with no iron to attract – so whatever power he might have had is irrelevant until he can find another pole with which to interact.
The woman's seemingly passive act of submission is, in a very Taoist sort of way, one of active creation. Simply put, she makes her man more powerful. His continued power depends on her continued submission. "

-Taken from here

My mum is a perfect example of this. Don't get me wrong..I absolutely love my dad to bits and pieces but sometimes his antics and well, male ego coupled with his eccentric mannerisms drives me up the wall and makes me have the strongest urge to pull what's left of my hair out. But my mother, she takes it all in. She tolerates him with such good nature and immense patience you wouldn't believe it's possible for such capability to exist in any female. She makes him feel empowered through her subtle quiet ways, and mostly importantly, she gives in. Even when she's not wrong.

I guess that's the fundamental mechanism of how a relationship works. Love is important, needless to say. Without chemistry, you cannot ignite the engine to spark off anything. However, to maintain it and to keep the relationship going on for decades, that is tricky. You need to compromise. To give in. To forget your pride and ego, because your better half is really the greatest good you'll possess.

I really need to take a few pointers from her.

My Granny

The many expressions of my beloved grandmother. I'm still feeling very foreign around my camera..so I'm actually quite proud of the last picture. I was capturing her more sombre looks but I wanted something more cheerful out of her so I got my sister to try and make her laugh and there, her facial features all crinkled up in a genuinely heartwarming, toothless chuckle.

Isn't she just lovely? :)

Dragon tail

This is the start of feasting, love and prosperity..just kicked off the Lunar New Year with A and his family and friends. I spent my Saturday evening listening to the wondrous amount of Cantonese around me (often nudging A for translations), digging into a sumptuous steamboat of quality beef, fish and sooooo many other variety of ingredients, of which puts our local steamboat to shame, and ending off with celebrating an impromptu early birthday for my dearest baby boy.
If that wasn't enough, we had to immerse ourselves in the festive atmosphere by trudging through Chinatown in the cool night, just taking in the sights, sounds, families doing some last minute shopping, everything. I never liked crowds but this was one of the rare occasions I actually enjoyed being part of the festivities.

It was truly a lovely evening. :}

5000 grams

I'm not sure which is more torturous, wanting to sleep and not being able to sleep, or being able to sleep but unable to wake up. My sleeping hours are wrecked so I'm here at 2.20am, waiting for some elusive sleeping dust to wash over me.

Anyway...on a heavier note (both literally and figuratively), I recently went to a clinic and had my weight taken. I was shocked beyond words, or maybe traumatized I don't know..sometimes extreme emotions make you react in ways you wouldn't expect and in my case, my initial reaction upon seeing the figure on the scales made me laugh out loud, to the surprise of the nurse recording my weight. It is with a heavy heart (ha) that I'm penning down my weight so that I'll do something about it. I must be extremely brave and insane to be announcing my weight here btw. I left Adelaide weighing about 45-46 kg and a year later, I'm now almost 51 kg. That's 5000g (this figure looks so much worse in grams......) that i've put on and I was really astonished to find out I could weigh THAT heavy.

Of course later on, the weight of the situation sunk in and my mood gradually got more and more sombre (to the point of depression) and I realized that i couldn't take things lightly anymore #punny Especially since I have never in my entire life seen the 5x digit while i'm on it..so that was quite a huge blow to me lol.

But seriously, who am i to kid right? I eat like a boy, wait no, I eat possibly as much or even more than some guys i know. I never really watch what I eat, I inhale whatever I fancy without counting the calories or even pausing to think about how much fat that roast pork or mcspicy patty contained or actually notice the time i'm consuming that piece of lard (which is usually in the wee hours of the night), I hardly ever exercised in Adelaide because the weather was too cold, too hot or too dry (in essence, bullshit excuses)..and now i'm suffering the repercussions of my laziness and greed.

Sigh it's also a little depressing to know that I actually bought several pieces of clothes online for CNY, naively thinking that I could fit an XS (in my defence, which I used to be able to) and receiving them and realizing how...fitting and sexy they look, that is, until i exhale and there goes my tummy tum tum exclaiming 'wheeeeee look at me!'. :(

Soooo, I'm gonna keep those clothes and make myself do whatever it takes to lose all the fat i've accumulated in the last 12 mths, even if that means cutting down on a lot of carbo..okay maybe i won't torture myself that much. I'm just gonna make sure i exercise twice as hard since I'm not exactly willing to give up my food.

Here's a promise to myself that by June (i'm being quite realistic ain't i?) I would have more or less returned to my previous self. And then, I can wear those pretty dresses without having to worry about that extra unnecessary burden of a bulge.

Summer all year round

New beginnings

I came here at the end of 2010, desperate for a change and to start anew..but as evident, i guess familiarity is always difficult to get out of huh? Haha. 2 years down the road, i'm here again once more having another attempt at a fresh start.

Livejournal was my pensieve for 5 years before I finally changed back to Blogger again..life truly has a funny way of going around full circle. Anyway, I do hope that with a new avenue to pen my thoughts, I will write more and post more visual memories.. especially since Livejournal was very restrictive in that aspect. I want this avenue to not only be filled with happenings, but also with honest, heartfelt thoughts and feelings. Somewhere I can pour my emotions of bursting happiness, aching sorrows and spiteful anger. This will really be personal to me.

So here we go, new beginnings :)